Now a Mummy!

Alhamdullilah. Congratulations to Foo (hehe!) and Yusri on your lil’ princess! Insya Allah, will pop by and see you guys tonight. Rest well, mummy!

After my rant in my previous post, I have not had time to sit down and write a proper post. The past few days have been blurry with neverending meetings, deadlines, family events and chasing AH around! He has learned to climb the back of the sofa at the end of our bed and over it- head first! We lowered the mattress in his cot one notch and the next day, he had once again learned how to stand up, cruise whilst holding on to the bars and climbed over the rail when it is down!!

Top it off, i THINK his tooth (or teeth? I dont know!) has made an appearance! He refused to show it to us (up to a point where my dad marahi and said, ‘jangan krajakan wah’. har har). He took my finger in his mouth and I felt something sharp-ish. I think I saw a little white bud but until I see it for myself, then I will believe. Tee-hee.

I’m glad its Friday tomorrow and am looking forward to wrapping up few work things on Saturday before starting all over again on Monday (haha!).

Oh, amidst all that I managed to pick up a flu as well! FUN!

It’s dear hubby’s birthday tomorrow and you know what that means? Har har har. If you’ve read my posts since few years ago- you would know. *winkwink*

Today, I was looking through the papers for any coverage on yesterday’s event. Yes, ANY coverage because the ‘Breastfeeding Wave’ was supposed to take place in 3 districts and in Brunei Muara, at 4 different venues.

What did I find? A small article without any photos. So much for trying to promote breastfeeding. *shrugs* (There was a group photo

It then made me wonder whether they do really consider breastfeeding as important here. This year’s theme is ‘Support Mothers to Breastfeed Successfully: Everyone Wins!’.

If you have read my previous posts, I have shared that breastfeeding for me was definitely not easy. It was far from easy.

AH had problem latching on and during my stay in the hospital, one of the nurses asked if I didn’t know how to breastfeed. Obviously not, right? My first baby kali ah. She asked if I ever attended breastfeeding class before and when I told her no, she said ‘kenapa inda?’ in a patronising tone. My answer? Because my local clinic never said I was supposed to attend one. (GUILT NO.1)

AH cried in the middle of the night and because he could not latch on, my mum gave him water. Back home, it was the same. At times, he would cry until he fell asleep because he could not latch on. Result? He didn’t feed enough and was admitted for jaundice on his 7th day. At the hospital, a nurse said to mix with formula because obviously he was not getting any milk from me. (GUILT NO.2)

Nevertheless, the nurse said I could express using their Lactina. However, I only had Avent Bottles and Lactina is a Medela! They didn’t have adaptors so my bottles were too big for the pump. Hence, I had to hold my bottle up. This is fine at first but try expressing at 2am, watching your baby with only diapers on in an incubator (as a result of not enough of YOUR milk, of course.) and then you fell asleep and spilled EVERYTHING on the hospital floor! Sob, sob. (GUILT NO.3)

So yes. Semua kena bagi rasa guilty kan? I think the form of support (if you can call it that, lah ah. Hehe) that I remember was- ‘Go home, rest, continue to breastfeed and try to phase out formula feeding. Most mothers are not able to breastfeed in the hospital as they are stressed out. Go home and relax.’ I suppose that helped in a way because it made me feel that it could be fixed. Heh.

Alhamdullilah, after awhile, I managed to establish full breastfeeding with AH. But there were more challenges! Unfortunately, it was mostly people’s words!

In the first few months, although a few praised me for breastfeeding AH I was also on the receiving end for things like- ‘Inda cukup kali susumu atu. Lapar masih kali ia, iatah ia nangis ani.’, ‘Payah ko karang kalau keraja. Terpaksa mempump di opis.’, ‘Baik masa cukup susumu kalau ko kraja.’ and I think the one I ALWAYS, ALWAYS jauh hati was if someone commented on AH’s eczema (or if he was fussy or if he was not pooing or if he had diarrhea) and then said, ‘Susumu kali tu. Apa ko makan? Iatah payahnya susu dada tu. Turun ke anak.’ Sigh.

There are times I would cry behind close doors because I was always scared and guilty. Scared because AH might not get enough milk when I was at work and guilty because I CAUSED AH’s eczema (or everything else!). I talked to few people and they said they had to mix when they went back to work. I asked the nurse, she said, ‘we would like to encourage you to breastfeed but everyone gives formula anyway, so we can’t stop you if you want to give formula’. When I asked my gynae, she said.. ‘try to feed him EBM before you go to work and see how much he would drink in a day and prepare accordingly’. (GUILT NO. 4)

By this time, I felt less guilty for thinking of preparing formula just in case my EBM was not enough- people are doing it and the nurse even confirmed this. We bought formula but I was very reluctant to give AH formula. My mum would say, ‘usahatah banyakkan susumu….’ and here, I tried everything I could think of. Whilst I lost all the weight I put on during pregnancy during confinement, I put on few kgs after that as I drank cups & cups of milo and ate as much as I could. Idola also taught me that when people tagured what she ate, she would stop eating it but eat it again the next time. I took this on too. Hehe.

You think it would stop there, right? Nope, it didn’t. Then I had to travel and people would comment how I would never have enough EBM whilst I was away but I did- 9 days, 10 days and 3 days away. Alhamdullilah, my EBM was enough. This was as a result of making sure I woke up early enough so I could express, lots of fluid, lots of food plus supplements.

You think that should stop most people to say how difficult it is to breastfeed, right? I mean, I did prove that I managed to feed AH EBM even when I was away for quite awhile. Nope, it didn’t. There were more! This time in came in the form of things like, ‘8 bulan? Inda ko campur? Susu dada ganya?’ or ‘Lainlah kau.. banyak stock..’ or ‘Lampuh jua anak mu ani.. Susu dada ganya kan ni?’. There are times when people are supportive but other times it was just… BLEURGH.

The one that I hate most is when people go, ‘lainlah kau.. banyak stock..’. If only they knew that I tried a lot of things, spent a lot (pumps, supplements, everything and anything to help boost supply), pump every chance I got, washed bottles and pumps (while my mum’s or my MIL’s maid sometimes help, most of the time, I do it myself as they are usually busy and I don’t have a maid to call my own yet.), forgo sleeps, scrapping time, internet time, going out, just so that I could pump or avoid using my EBM unnecessarily so I can maintain or increase supply and keep stock. I NEVER, EVER SAID IT WAS EASY.

I think I’m digressing. Haha. Going back to this year’s theme, finding support in Brunei is not easy. Most people I’ve met are far from supportive. I didn’t have proper support system except from few family members and the Internet. I read blogs of breastfeeding mothers with envy and thought, if they could do it, so can I! That was what I felt the form of silent support (as we do not actually talk and I am just their silent reader) that I found most comfortable with.

I know many has said that my blog is pasal susu, susu, susu. I blog about my breastfeeding journey because I want to try to let others know that breastfeeding is not easy and also share with others what I have found to make breastfeeding much easier for me. I hardly get tips from books because I don’t think most of them work, I try to get tips from other mothers who, too, have encountered challenges in trying to establish breastfeeding.

I never condemn if mothers choose to give formula. I, too, once gave AH formula. When people say that you are not producing enough BM for your baby, in your head you say you are not, so your body was not producing enough. This happened to me, so I gave him formula.

It is a mother’s choice if they want to breastfeed or give formula or mix-feed. My friend chose to give formula because her baby kept on biting her nips. Another person gave formula because her baby refused to take BM.

If you think I’m being over emotional over breastfeeding, you bet I am. I have had enough of people trying to make me feel guilty for breastfeeding my 8-month old baby. A lot of people have been making me feel guilty since the day AH was born. I worked freaking hard to make sure I can continue to breastfeed. I have had people I am hardly chummy with call me a cow, tong susu, milk factory and even suggesting I can use my ‘fresh milk’ to add to their freaking tea or coffee. If you do not know my middle name or know my son’s name, the joke is not funny, okay.

Yes, it is the Global Breastfeeding Wave, with a theme to Support Breastfeeding Mothers. But with people like these around, no wonder a lot of mothers have chose to not breastfeed.

I almost never give advices on breastfeeding (except on my blog) to people because I do not want to offend them and make them feel inadequate if they couldn’t (this is how I felt when I wasn’t able to breastfeed and people gave me ‘advices’). However, when people ask, I am more than willing to share.

So yes, I am NOT going to feel guilty just because I am still breastfeeding my 8-month old baby. Insya Allah, my next aim is to achieve my mid-term goal, which is 1 year old and insya Allah, long-term goal is 2 years old.